The lack of family records or family history deep back into my ancestors.
In India, we have been so occupied with day to day life, that very often our family records are not maintained. These are not cared for because the individual is not given much importance in our family set up. Until recently, when we have started to turn to nuclear families, the individual was not given much importance, but the family and the community. This has resulted in lack of many records to get to know your family except through the memory of your relationships who are alive. I regret that I will not get to know more about the incredible lives of many of my ancestors except glimpses of stories that have been passed down through my parents.
My grandfather was a freedom fighter who was part of Malabar Special Police and revolted against the British. At that time, he had travelled extensively. He also worked in Bhilai Steel Plant and could speak Hindi fluently at a time when not many South Indians could do it. He was a member of Socialist party of Jayprakash Narayan, and a major part of most events and happenings in my mothers village. He had many shortcomings and and still there are legends that go around in my mother’s village about the incredulous things he had done. Every time I look at his photo on the wall in our house, I am filled with regret that I did not get to know the person I see and hear about. Did he beat his superior when he revolted? Did he have a love interest in distant Chattisgarh? Who were his batchmates in Special Police? Who were his roommates in Bhilai? Where did he live?
During my recent bike trip from Nagpur to Kolkata, I stopped at Bhilai and took some pictures of the Steel plant where he worked. The place looked familiar to me because I know it through the memories of my mother. I took it so I could show it to her and extract some more stories from her.
An uncle from my mother’s side ( In India, Uncle has a deeper meaning. It is not just your mother’s brother. In a sense your mother’s uncle also translates to uncle.) was mailed and supposedly eaten by a tiger, while on his “Vanaprastha”. He was in the final lap of his life and therefore performed his final rites ( usually performed by your descendants after death. This is called “irikkapindam”, where you yourself perform your death rites before you go on pilgrimage to death, which is the final phase of life in Hinduism, Vanaprastham”). We came to know of this through someone who had heard of it in his travels and identified this guy to be his ancestor. I would never know about the life and travels of that ancestor of mine.
Another of my cousins married for love and left with a Tamilian. She was never heard of or seen after that. Even when we tried to trace her we couldn’t find her or her secret lover. What made her leave everything and go away? There are no honour killings or ostracizings done in our community. Still why did she be so secretive about everything? Was she taken care of properly? Or was she sold off by the so called lover? I would never know. I would never recognise her even if I were to see her.
One of all time favorite movies is the movie “Big Fish”. It is the story of a father who tells such incredible stories that the son doesn’t believe them and thinks of it as make belief. However, as his father is in his deathbed, he realizes that his father’s incredible stories were true and without exaggeration. I cried after I saw that movie and was speechless for many days.
The biggest regret I have in my life is that I will never get to know all the incredible stories of my ancestors. I will have to content myself with the one’s that my parents and relatives can tell from memory. And when I hear them, I turn into the starry eyed boy who would always be amazed by the story of the Prince who went on a quest from his mother.
We ( you and me) may not be leaders, world builders, historical figures. But the life of our ancestors that have reached upto us is equally incredible and filled with magic, fantasy, fun, frolic, happiness, unrequited love, tragedy and everything conceivable in a full human life. They were the units that went into build the larger stories of our leaders and countries, like the Lego pieces that make up the larger structure. Our life should be an exploration into that as much as it is into our future. My regret is I can’t be certain I can make sense of either (past and future) as much as I would want.