I remember the day the result came as clear as water. Two results came that day.
It was the 10th of May, 2016. Lekshmy (my wife) was late by about a week and hence we had bought a UTP. She took the test in the morning and came out of the toilet blushing. I was going to be a father. I did not know how to react to this news. We had been married barely 2 weeks (our marriage was on April 22nd, 2016, my interview was on May 5th and the result came on May 10th.) We had waited for 3 long years to get married because of my commitment to the exam and hence we had decided not to delay having a baby. Both of us wanted it to happen. However, when my wife finally came out of the toilet with the result positive, I forced a smile and hugged her.
A lot of things weighed in my mind. I had not thought about most of those things prior to that. We both wanted to have the baby as soon as we could. However, I was still waiting for the CSE results and was not providing a steady income. A baby would mean that we needed to have stability in our life and then my preparation will have to suffer. Lekshmy was fully supportive of me and said that she would support me as long as I wanted to prepare for the exam. Even though this gave me confidence, I wanted her to be able to enjoy our pregnancy to the maximum extent possible. I felt that she should have the freedom to choose when to go on maternity leave and when to join back and all those things. With my results on the balance that stability was missing in our life.
Unlike 2014 CSE, in 2015 UPSC did not announce beforehand that the result would be coming the next day. So I did not know in the morning that the CSE results would be published later that day. I kissed Lekshmy and sent her to the office, lazily lying on the bed, thinking what life holds in store for us.
I want to tell you, if you are someone who is striving very hard for something you really want in life, that God plays dices with your life. And just when you think that you’ve had enough and would like to quit, hold on for just 5 more minutes. She hides that miracle just around that corner. That was the day he reserved two miracles in store for me.
A little after noon my friend called me and told me that the results were out. I remember that it sent a slight chill down my spine. Then it went away. I was worried about what life might have in store for me. But with the adrenaline rush in my veins, I decided then and there that it did not matter. These results were just a tiny speck in time. If I make it, well and good. If it did not, I would still continue to do what I have been doing. Prepare for the exam again. The other things in my life would meanwhile continue on parallel paths. My life couldn’t be put on pause just because I have to pass an exam. I was composed and I was ready to look at the result.
I opened the UPSC web page. Unlike the prelims result, Mains and Final result usually loads fast because the server is not overloaded. I typed in my name the first time and it was not there. I scrolled down calmly and realised that the page had not loaded completely. I waited for it to load and then entered my name again and with each letter, the browser bar kept decreasing the number of matches. And finally when I had entered my full name, it still showed “one result found”. I hit the next button and the buffer simply rested on my name. I slowly raised both of my arms and let out a whimper. It was a muted celebration.
I let the result and the whole day’s experiences sink in. With each passing moment, the day kept on becoming sweeter. And with each passing moment, the result seemed small while the prospect of fatherhood loomed large. I called Lekshmy, my mom and all others important in my life and conveyed the message. Then immediately I rushed outside and bought a red velvet cake. I had the words “Hello Mom” written on that cake. Then I simply waited for Lekshmy to come back home.
When she came back home from office she was so happy she hugged me at the gate. It was a journey that both of us took together and it was now coming to an end. But when she entered our house and saw the cake with candles burning on it, she cried. We were about to embark on a new journey now. We were going to be parents and we both were now totally ready for it.
The rest of the day went by as if I had won a lottery. We did not tell anyone about the baby yet, so everyone kept congratulating us on the results. Local channels started calling, friends and family kept calling and what not. I was the same person, but my life had changed.
It felt great to be alive at 28 on that day.